stigmafree's Blog

One is "The Prayer" and it is the lyrics I like! They are as follows:


I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to the place, guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe
I pray we'll find your light, and hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night, 
remind us where you are
Let this be our prayer, when shadows fill our day
Help us find a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
A world where pain and sorrow will be ended
And every heart that's broken will be mended
And we'll remember we are all God's children
Reaching out to touch you
Reaching to the sky
We ask that life be kind, and watch us from above
We hope each soul will find another soul to love
Let this be our prayer, just like every child
Who needs to find a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
Needs to find a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

The other is "Ordinary Miracle" and I did plan on putting the lyrics ot that here, as well as the last, but due to my beginning migraine, I need to lay down, so I will end on just writing hte name of hte last song!

 "Wild Horses"

Well, I am not one to believe in closure, but I do believe in the conclusion, as endings are sure to come, with people, even with life - we all die, so I decided for the 1st time in my life to write a summary of the year - WOW for me....the issue is as I sit to do it, I know I want it to be more visually oriented, to include milestones reached, also things' I could have  done in a different way - leading to a more productive outcome...I also wanted to write my favorite quotes, songs, etc...the word I had for last year, my fav blogs of the year, but the more I thought, the more pressure I felt to do this blog to sum up something I really have yet to find a way to do the way I would hope to - well intend to..so I am stuck, again.

The thing is, if I was to sum up this year, I would also have to include the past few years, if not a brief view of my life story because without the WHOLE picture, one is sure to miss key parts of my summary...

So, knowing all this, I am left with a huge choice and delimma, noce more - strive for waht I want to end with or just keep it simple and a short visual, which is probably all I can handle right now and also, one of my intentions for this year - keep things more simple - do not have need to explain things' at nasuam to others', NOT strive for perfection or making everyone else happy (an impossibility, one can only make oneself happy!) - stop people pleasing, so in light of all this, I still struggle to not get really detail oriented and keep this simple.

This blog happens to be about my indeciviness on an ending blog on EP for 2011, and realizing what I would like to end with, but then realizing been really sick recently, makes it hard because between resting, and being sick, am not sure will have time or energy to fully devote what intend...my mind says then keep it simple, but HOW? 

Maybe that is my summary, that is it - how am I going ot keep it simple and actually tone down SO much more then just my pull toward giving things' my all when I do not even have my all?

That is one of my intentions' for new year, but it is for the new year, so how do I end the old, knowing I am more complex then simple in so many ways, yet enjoy the simplicity - can get it so much easier?

The thing about gaining knowledge or awareness is for me, the price is more whys', more wondering, the need much more time in meditation heaven - I LOVE meditating - it seems to provide a sense of relaxation and answers' - even when no answer is the answer, but then if I was to end simply, it would not honor 2011, which was anything but simple....

I also wanted to include a part about education and things' going missed due to lack of education - which seems to be falling back, at least in my country and leaping ahead in others'...in some, not all ways'....but it has lead to several key realizations':

1. My friends' are right, I belong at some point either in another part of my country to live or another country totally.

2.  There is a really big reason WHY in some countries the rate of remission is HIGHER then my own and therefore, people are healing quicker, leading lives they intend, not what is unreasonable or what they "perceive" others' to want them to do, or even if it a correct perception because in my case, others' do want me to do certain things I do not, much to my unhappiness andthier own happiness - do I sacrifice no only my happiness, but alos my health for them to be happy hwen they do not even have the whole picture of what is happening iwth my body or much of me anymore? I cannot or then I will go against every grain of my being htat says listen to my current health care team, my family and freinds' who do get it and have more of a picture, but most of all, listen to hte inner me -= hard to do when it feels hte world does not keep still for one second and is SCREAMING constantly at me - flooding my senses - so I love meditating - in SILENCE and have also been told go to a country or palce where that can be done because it is a regualr custom and if not, then it is at least honored for those who do it....will look into that, found a few places, but that also requires certain level physical health and finances am not quite able reach yet, so stuck - AGAIN.....

3. Okay, the most redundant thing in this blog is that word - STUCK, in so many ways, the thing is, my intent with simplicity will help me become unstuck, but it will take much more then jsut being more simple, it also takes dealing with many medical issues that do leave one trapped in their body, yet the freedom can be found because freedom is not just a body, but even more-so a state of mind.....am I really stuck and trapped in my body? Yes, to a degree, there are some choices I have no control over, some issues, but I DO have the choice on how to handle them....so my word of hte year was going to be "simplicity", but it just dawned on me, it is not simplicity, but CHOICE that I need to make my word in order to better realize I have taht - it had only come to me very recently and literally shock the ground beneath me, so how best to honour taht then make it my word of 2012?

Done - it is CHOICE, and I wish had energy to make it viusally appear as I do in my head - I tend to think so much more visually, in pictures, even WORD pictures, but right now I need a break, so maybe when I fill in my sotry for my word of hte year and how I came to it, I can do it then - for now I bid you farewell, in peace and gratitude, in times of trouble, even, but most of all, in this one moment in time - I bid you farewell and have a great new year!

P.S. I know lots of my stories and blogs need editing and revising, another goal, but one more I cannot attend to at the moment, and I apologize for hte grammatical errors' and that it is not done how I would hoep yet, but my body cannot tolerate sitting up long, which is a key to me to not force it, so please I ask you to bare iwth me through medical illness and keeping up on even EP.

I agree there is a time and place to categorize an emotion as more positive or more negative, but it is really not the emotion I feel being "categorized", yet unavoidably is, it is more how people have dealt with the emotion(s)' they feel that has forced our society to see them as more negative or positive. The only issue with this, is for some, for me is is actually very hindering, it does not allow me the freedom to have the emotion and just let it runs its course, not worry about it being seen as positive or negative, but just being, just sitting with it, maybe meditating on it, asking it what it is telling me, like I sometimes ask my body, or even my mind - in just being, where is the harm? To just have an emotion is SO liberating, yet I see so many acting on them, letting them control their every word, or action, and that is what hinders it for others' - for me, blocking me the freedom I need to feel it and even say what it is or they are without ever really having to do anything about them....some of then, anyway.

Emotions' are also good in that they do cause ofr action, as some of the greatest of causes or actions have been based of raw emotion used in a healing, effective manner for the betterment of all, not just one....

I often wonder why some let their emotions propel them towards not finding hte beauty Born of pain or the great things that can be done, but toward a more negative perspective....not that I have not been there, but I try my best to see both sides - the pros and cons....and there are both, and a choice, a choice to do what ultimately will get you to where you want to go and be or a choice to not do so....but it is a choice, none-the-less.....

Make your choices wisely and without haste, as haste often leads to waste - sometimes, the best thing to do is just wait it out, and in waiting, what is intended adn you are meant to say or do, will come when it is time, trust in time, trust in meditation, trust in waiting something out - whether that be a bright day, a sun rise, whatever, but trust and have faith in all you ever say, do, feel, think, and believe.....

In Peace and in Sickness (unfortunately antoher rough day for me personally medically), but as life goes on, I am trying to do what I can, so it is writing once more, a but anyway!

SFree

There are things that tear relationships apart, and sometimes they are where/ are never restored, sometimes, they are....


I guess it depend on what tore it apart and whether or not each person is willing and open to letting it begin, in a new light, a better way, and always changed - most often for the greater good of each..

Yet from from each torn relationship, or closed door, a window opens and that is a glimpse of the depths of exquisite beauty born of pain...for those ties that broke us wether we come together or not are meant for a reason, and if you do not come together, others' will be there that could not have been otherwise and it is their time with you now that matters' and if you do come together, you would be amazed at the way those ties, made coming together - different forever, but more stronger for having gone through the tear..

Illness can be one of those things' that break apart ties, but in all that breaking, I would just want the most simplest of things - yet not so simple - to be honored, not forgotten - to be loved and know/have faith I was loved - back, to have maybe just a part of my own story heard - whether my name is attached to it or not is actually irrelevant to me, not something I care much about, but just the story, so that others' may perhaps learn, even just 1 little thing by reading it, seeing it, or hearing it - then my life would have been well worth each and every battle and also each and eery victory - even the ones' some may see as not victorious, but for me it was, so deeply so that I found a great beauty born of great pain.....another wise thing to realize.

I was going to write yesterday about my past few years - not just this last one, but I got to sick, and had to lay down...today is much the same, so that writing still awaits, but I hope this one, though short, has spoken a core truth, to someone other then me.....

This a small story about 1 human beings' journey to build a house and how it is really about "building me". 

That part is dedicated to a dear friend who for some reason, CHOSE me and we will always be connect - I love you forever and ever! ( S + S, H + K, and the other "inside one am blanking on, but when you read this, I know you will remind me!)

"My Life as a HOUSE....and "UNDER-construction" HOUSE!

Some say it is, "Mind over Matter", and may for many - it is, but I have found so many shades if gray, even with this train of thought because it is not necessarily accurate for EVERYONE. 

For some, especially me, it actually is BODY over mind. The work I need to personally do too heal, move along on my journey of life...and focus on right now - BEGINS in my body - for 2 main reasons':

1. Having developmental issues that were "missed" and never addressed - then getting that fitting diagnosis and the treatment has been a breakthrough - as hard as it is - it actually works in ways' NOTHING else has - it works more then ANY medication could or ever would and for the time being, even more the verbal therapy, but am hopeful one day verbal therapy will come - just not there yet!

2. Having numerous medical issues - to the point of being hospitalized for them is really hard and when one WANTS their body to work, even if you try to focus on healing it with your mind, unless you put major focus into healing the BODY - and working through that if that is what is needed, the all the mind work in the world will be useless - plus, medication, as far as I can see for me (at least) and am actually on only 2 meds - 1 for anxiety so can get to my words' when have to, the other for medical reasons and that is pain medication.

* What I found that works for me right now the best and most fitting is the foundation - and it happens to have to begin in my body and work UP! It is the work my Occupational Therapist is helping me with - the tools offered by this person are invaluable and have prov en more effective then ANYTHING have tired in the past, as well as movement and movement therapy with the addition of art and art therapy - in visual and music forms as well, and even some body work tailored to meet my individual needs, of course!

So my house, as all houses do, begin with the foundation. In some ways, it is the hardest work, it takes the blood, sweat, and tears' - it takes so much effort. The hardest to LEARN and APPLY daily. Especially seeing it so primal when I am an adult, but the time is now and here and am just glad to be able to do it and know it does work, even with adults in ways' many do not yet understand or can fully comprehend and if one is a "dis"-believer, then look at my case, actively listen and hear my story, and learn from me. I feel much dis-belief either stems form lack of knowledge and awareness or fear - so it is really up to that individual to chose to either gain insight and knowledge, pay that short term price for awareness - but well worth it if you ask me, and also, be open enough and to take on a new perspective or even just enhance your own - adapt it as you see fitting in your own time, as we each have our individual time lines. As much as some like to think they have control over this, and we do 2 A POINT - it is really in a higher powers; hands' - whichever one has to put it in - that is how I feel at least - we can only do so much and then, for me, I give it up to the universe and put it in the hands of God, especially when I do not know what to do, I do nothing and leave it to God - having faith I will be lead!

As I am working on the foundation - with others' supporting me and giving me tools' I never had or somehow was not born with, it is as though I am finally finding some peace in the work,m even - as hard as it gets' - does lead to peace and if it was not hard sometimes, then it would not be worth it or even fitting. Anything worth the effort and the journey - because it is about the journey - not the destination as so many tend to comfort themselves with that notion...needs to be EXPECTED to be hard at times, easier at others' - come with many emotions' - and one struggle I have is trying to even PULL 1 emotion out at a time and focus on it or not get HIGHLY analytical about it - sometimes, I FEEL it just depends on the moment and I have so many feelings' - even more then one about 1 particular experience, so how to do this is actually still very much a works in progress!

Anyway, during the hard times, I find the peace in other areas' of the same type of therapy, more adaptive ways' - though many may not agree or let me go through it, seeing it is VERY primary work and I am an adult, yet it works' so WHY not work it? In some ways', I am told I am old in my body and also, in my more negative experiences', but very much still a child in terms of therapy, and where I am developmentally - emotionally and socially, which is why my work is based right now in he area of sensory and also, more visceral.

The hard part was getting it across to others' - even seeing it myself and knowing where I am at, is also very hard.  There is a huge dichotomy, if you will, in that while I have the intellect and am smart, those common sense and base teachings' - the sensory things', the more fundamental work, was never really learned, and is a really hard thing for me.Yes, if put in an academic setting, I can excel, but learning the common sense things' have been my hardest battle and still are - worth it, but really hard and most, unless well-trained and have a wide, vast array of experience with this cannot understand, grasp, or pick up on how hard it is for me - and also for me to know I am missing so much and that most see common sense as easy and I see it in intellect and a book - if I could learn ANY of this from a book, may have picked it up, but one cannot learn the skills currently being worked on with me from a book. Part of my struggle is also that most do not understand and many get angry or just tired of having to try, or are caught up in their lives and some even have no wish to understand others' - which I completely do not get at all.

So, my foundation, is in my body and working with my O.T., and others' for more medical reasons', as well as fighting to speak when in certain types of therapy - a great worry I feel from my therapist is I do find such comfort in NOT speaking in person, that I will give it up forever, but I do not think so, even if I find it comfortable for now, I also realize, there will come a time and they have said for me, it will take time, when I can speak easier Adan when the words I say will carry healing and meaning - just will take more time, and have already been told it may be awhile to get there, but I have faith I will, one day!  They are also helping with the "structure" meaning the walls!

The next step will be more focus on the filling in the walls (verbally talking and getting something out of it when I do), and window instillation (more insight with a focus on verbal therapy, working in conjunction with them and my whole team - we are ALL constantly working together - the focus just changes as I do and time progresses, so one day, this will be more of the focus because it CAN be, but only after that foundation is built!)

The roof comes with more major steps in healing and also, it is kind of always there a a protection and maybe it encompasses all the other work!

That is the to be put on later though and it leads' to where the anticipation for me to do my OWN decorating happens'! I have been noted to write and get across one of the greatest feelings' I have ever had is not what I get to do in the end, but the build up to it - that "ANTICIPATION"! 

Anyway, once my house is built - the best part is I get to CHOOSE ALL the decorating - everything I LIKE then gets' added because this is were my choice lay - in the decorating of the house!

It will be VERY simple - and not very materialistic - already know that 0 for me, my love is being more of a minimalist when it comes to material things' and even having them in view - since any VISUAL stimulation is hard and distracting if not done and done carefully, as many considerations' must be in place and my environment in many ways' is one of the most important aspects. So, for example, where I sleep has to have VERY little in visual view, noise level has to be at kept low, and for it to be restorative and effective, so much has to go into this.....

So each room or area is designed and "decorated with great consideration, effort, time, and energy put into it - and this also is literal in a sense because my living area kind of has to be done in the same way - but let me tell you - it will have a lot of creative aspects, much art, and even areas to REALLY swing or move or do what I have to!

The storage will be such that it will be easier for me in terms of all aspects of my health, but it is important to keep most things' covered and/or in an area they cannot be visually seen, but this is again - more in relation to my actual living quarters'!

So, WELCOME HOME ME ~ 1 day!

Now, a part of re-directing and this is dedicated to some who realized where the ground work was needed, picked up on the all the 'misses' and have been there all along - as well as those who have been helping me re-focus energy, leading me to find that now is time to re0direct focus on more healthy ways' - be even MORE proactive....

I recently got across to someone, "I am so ready to learn more healthy ways' of coping and adapting, being around healthy people who already learned - and learning what I can from them - taking what I can use and the rest, well, that is for them to keep, as we are all individuals and unique!

I got across how sick I am of being around certain "sick" people because my illness does not define who I am and what is happening is a vicious cycle where I learn by mimicking and copying - so being around them am learning hte WRONG tools- and it comes in before I can stop it because my foundation is not built, so internalization is still a major struggle. Plus, I do not have those tools' that the professionals' have when dealing with certain pathologies or people, so I get sent backwards when around them - take it on and get sicker - how can one not be influenced by those they are around continually and that goes for anyone - the more you surround yourself with "ill" people, the sicker YOU become, but the more one surrounds themselves with positive, energy lift-ing, healhty people - the more healthy one can become.  It gets REALLY depressing for me, being around sick people and listening to them - it is so hard because I have yet to be able to put up my "bubble" or protective shield and build a wall high enough to keep out their toxicity, but low enough to not shut out the world of more who are more compassionate and caring and not like this at all - one of my issues, is out the "real" world, how do you tell the difference between these people? But again, this is part of my foundation learning and social skills learning!

Wish is came more easily, but sometimes I am so lost and want to socialize in a normal way but figuring out is like being stuck in a maze and all you want is to do it or find a way to...reach out, but it takes so much effort and courage when I look back and sees how ineffective I was in doing it and how I kept messing up, failing, and making mistakes. Another hard part of this is that my health care team say it is actually not really my fault, but that of certain family members' and my old health care who never picked up on and saw my struggle - that is was them who failed me, and I did what I could because I did not know any other way, but I still blame me, hate me, and think it was my fault...at least in terms of feeling.  I carry that shame and cannot seem to let it go as of yet, maybe it is serving some purpose unconsciously and my doctor can help lead to insight about that.

They are trying very hard to get me to be angry at otehrs' - I see no point - maybe some say or do things' I may not like, but why get angry - perhaps they are just sick also....

My doctors' keep hoping and trying to get me to stop taking so much on and out on me, and re-direct it to either them - who are trained to take it - though why should they have to deal with a mess they had no part in making? They have other clients' I am sure who do this and I do not want to add to that...I want to get well, and they say it would help me because they are "safe" to get angry at and it would be healthy to learn to express it instead of silently doing it to me and taking it ALL on. They cannot wait for me to get angry, but for some reason, I do not feel it yet.....oh well, remind self now - due time!

Plus if I ever did get angry at those who really hurt me or what has occurred - part of me thinks' - what is the point if it is not direct and also, what if they are just sick and cannot even grasp what they said or did, then getting angry would not be fitting because they are sick and would not get it, they actually need help, as much as I did and do...so am struggling with this concept and htis area, a lot. 

I do not like doing "indirect" anger and it is NOT hte job of my healers' to have to help me clean up a mess they had no part in, but to help me heal. Plus, no one likes complainers' or to be around those who are always' angry - that is no fun and even i know that much.

They said I have no reason to worry about this because I am not like that, but htey also said when I do get angry, it will come like a tidal wave because have been silent for so long and just hurt me, in many ways' - so they said do not be scared it will come out at the smallest of things' and be a lot, but they said after the wave, ti will find a balance, so it will pass, and to have faith in that. I am still scared!

Seem to always have some element of anxiety that is very hindering - even leading to mutism and sheer terror in me....

So re-directing my energy means, separating from SOME "sick" people and not being around them so much - surrounding myself with uplifting and supportive people, even those with illness, but more physically so and those who know how to re-direct it to focus on the things we CAN do and more positive ways'!

I know I need this and it is the healthy choice for me. It is not ALL "sick" people, just certain ones, that tend to have that need to spread negative energy or talk endlessly about negative things', when there needs to be balance and for me, more focus on what I CAN do and being positive about that.

My energy is now directed toward using the little I have each day to rest and build more - PHYSICALLY. have more interaction with those who understand and are supportive, in various forms, and also, to put some time into my future plans - healing, school, fun things' (which thought It type they are fun are not ALWAYS so)

It is my love and loves' and passions' come wiht not just joyous and fun times, but also the blood, sweat, adn tears' we put into it, because if you really love it or them, then you also understand as much as it brings peace, it also has times of trouble and very ahrd work - THAT is hwat makes it worht it 0 because the love and passion over-rides and gives one strength to do the work and for me, I am so willing to go there....and do just taht!

Anyway, now must end this story, as it is probably to long as it is and needs major editing, but wanted to share something more inspiration and it is NEVER to late...to begin - in some ways', each ending is  NEW beginning and though mine seems to REALLY be a BEGINNING, it is only htorugh letting myself be open to htat I can grow, learn, become my passion, and then go after those dreams!

That spirit I once wrote I buried to keep safe log ago.....am beginning to uncover it, just a bit, very slowly, layer-by-layer!

Just need to take some time - time to heal, rest, and re-direct!

In Peace, even in troubled times, as some are, 

Just ME - imperfect as I am.

I am trying left, but it seems I keep hitting either a jug-handle, u-turn, or dead-end, why? I think my destiny is left, but it is a harder path for sure! First blog in awhile and this one has to be short, but wanted to write about this a bit!

I am beginning this with 5 How, What, When, Where, and Why Questions'! I hope those who read like and understand HOW much this means to me - SOOO much, WHAT it means - more then anything, WHEN it means - when I get some answers', WHERE it means - where I VOICE this, and WHY it means - I just want to listen so I can learn from others' experiences' and also, share mine....in some mutual way!  

I went back to edit and through it added 5 more questions', such as me!!!!!

WISH me lots-of-luck!

"HOW Questions"

1. How are you able to maintain being both passionate and also, dis-passionate?

2. How are you able to be more diplomatically objective?

3. How do you perceive the world and humanity and reason with inhumane actions'?

4.  How are you able to handle awareness, as well as unawareness?

5.  How did you find yourself most healed when you were wounded and did you share that moment with someone else or was it alone?

6. How are you best in-tune with yourself in terms of insight?

7. How do you reach out?

8. How do you reach in?

9. How do you like your eggs' and humans'?

10. How do you know when you are deeply touched and sharing a moment, so intimate, in terms of a story, that it amy just be humbling beyond words' to know your impact?

"WHAT Questions" 

1.  What world is this - TOO YOU?

2. What is the meaning of verbal/non-verbale "language" and healing, in terms of healing to you through feelings', thoughts', beliefs', and actions" - What SPEAKS loudest to you?

3.  What is your favorite simple and complex pleasures/healing/self-care techniques' - it keeps you going and also, supplies a full-fillement to some basic need whenever you feel appropro?

4. What does OUR relationship mean to you?

5. What is your favorite song, quote, book, color, or anything like this, you feel needs to be spread for more awareness?

6.  What means' the world to you?

7.  What do you find yourself feeling, thinking, saying, and doing, the most?

8. What is most humbling about you, others', and humanity, to you?

9.  What do you find most terrifying about yourself and What do you find the most terrifying about others'?

10. What do you find the most "imperfectly perfect" and fun about self and about others'?

"WHEN Questions"

1.  When do you catch yourself most off-guard?

2. When did you reach a level of awareness that nearly "took your breath away"?

3. When did you FIRST fall in love, if you have and/or at what age did you first make love with one you love?

4. When did you realize, we are more unaware and have huge limitations in life, as human beings'...and what are yours'?

5.  When do you plan on writing/telling me more about you?

6.  When did you reach your first dream and How, What, When, Where, Why was it was it...that and that way?

7.  When did think I asked to many questions', already?

8.  When did you first experience something you realized, you could ONLY really understand and explain, from experience, and How, What, When, Where, Why was it like that?  When did you realize, you can also learn from others', in saving you from going through some things' in life, that are not always' the most effective experiences', but some of the most horrific?

9.  When do you do your most effective healing, for self and other?

10.  When did you realize, someone means' the world to you, and you even mean the world to someone?

"WHERE Questions"

1.  Where did you find yourself most often, the most relaxed? 

2.  Where does your "comfort zone" begin and end in terms of a relationship, with yourself, others', and even the world at large, in a variety of settings'?

3.  Where did you first realize, your answers' mean the world to me?

4.  Where do you remember being hurt the most emotionally and/or physically?

5.  Where did you catch yourself smiling, even as you cried?

6.  Where do you go when you want to be alone/with others'?

7.  Where and What do you go and do when figure out, you DO have regrets of things' you never said and did, and how do you, if ever, go back and try to at least "repair" that?  Where do you go and What do you do when you realize your regrets over things' you ALSO said and did?

8. Where do you find hope, understanding, explanations', empathy, compassion, wisdom, strength, blessings', honoring, and yes, even Namasta...and LOVE, the most from self and other...also?

9. Where do you consider your home?

10. Where did you MOST find yourself and at what age? How, Who, What, When, Why -  aided you in the search, most effectively? (May be more then one person!)

"WHO Questions"

1. Who do you role model, mentor, or heal from.....the most, besides yourself...and here is a doesy:  HOW, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, and WHY them? (and, acknowledging we are our own best, May you answer this about yourself also?) - may be more then one, singular person and/or thing.....

2. Who do you love...and the same as the last question...

3. Who do you mean the world to and you the world - it may be self, but explain and also, explain another and/or others'!?

4. Who would you do anything, everything, and nothing for, and mean anything, everything, and nothing....but just a friendship, is so vital?

5.  Who...How, What, When, Where, Why..... Do you find yourself having the  most emotions' over, crying over, and laughing over, even at the same time?

6.  Who do you find your heart breaking for?

7. Who do you want to keep in your life.... in some form, as long as possible, knowing our time here, is limited?

8.  Who keeps you going, by just a thought, when you are melancholy and even, euphoric?

9.  Who would you NEVER die for, but KILL for?

10.  Who do you find the most influential, in the past? Present? Future? AND - THIS ONE MOMENT?

"WHY Questions"

1. Why do you feel, think, believe, say and do, what you feel, think, believe, say and do?

2. Why do you NOT do the previous?

3. Why do you go on, even in the midst of chaos, complexity or perhaps, even nay-say...simplecity and awareness of both unawareness and awareness?

4.  Why are we all so often, wounded...but then those greatest wounded become the best healers'?

5.  Why are you - YOU?

6.  Why does awareness come with such a high price, almost higher then unawareness?

7.  Why do we have no words', so often for so much?

8.  Why (How, What, When,  Where...) do you care about love the most about self and also, other....even a cause?

9.  Why did you decide to take time to answer these questions'?

10. Why do I so often, have more questions' then answers', even as I settle on some and do you, ever go through this, even now?

I am also adding "May", "Can", and "If".....for the sake of this being a very important and revealing blog! 

BUT..........

Another time to be edited and finished!

May I ask these to someone? A couple? Few? AND even MANY?

BONUS:

WHAT Emotion best describes you in this moment?

I want to tell you

to go ahead and reach out

for what you want.

I want to tell you

to go ahead and try;

try to make the things happen.

 

Along the way

there will be pain,

disappointment and doubt,

but if you never try,

you'll never know

what might have been,

and you'll always wonder

"what if" and "if only . . . "

 

Even though you

might be scared,

you'll always have a reason to be

proud of yourself

and glad that you dared

 

to reach out

for the dreams

that only you

CAN MAKE COME TRUE!

 

-Marsha Reid

As I reflect on this one poem, which I got on a paper at a breakfast in Elementary School, I can see how true it is....

I often get asked why I ask certain questions' or put things out that seem to be so not attainable, but truth be told, it is b/c if I never do, then who will?

"Tis true, better to ask and through it out there, even in left field, then to never ask!

I seek answers to the most unobtainable and intangible, unanswerable questions in life, and usually find so many more questions, but hey - 

Thank Goodness for those seekers! 

I learn.....I LOVE ME!

One of the best movies I have ever seen. I never watch it because it makes me cry each and every time.

If my life could be a movie, I may choose it to be played out like this one, b/c it was so amazing.

Yet, in real life, things like this never happen, but if they did, it would be so wonderful!

It makes me smile to think about when they met, as they were walking toward each other at the end of the movie.

It almost makes me tear a little, but I cannot have tears right now, but inside me it does.

So, my wishes, my dreams, my fantasies.....are so movie -like, in some ways, but it is safe, tucked away in my head, where no one can take it away, no one....and if someone took it, which, I guess, in a way, some do have the power to shatter me.......it woud cause pain that I never wish to know of......that I have known all to often..so please, I beg of you, leave me with my request, even if it is only a figment of my imagination......it is all I have right now in my life, that I can handle....

(Fiction)

There was a cat I found, it was huddled against a building.

It was trying so hard to be invisible, you could barely make out its body.

It's fur was matted with filth and it was shivering and shaking, trembling in the cold of the night.

It was shamed, so shamed for not being able to protect itself or even crawl to a place to get help.

It was weak and tired, and felt it was a lame excuse for life, so it never reached out, until I found it.

It was so quite and it's breathe was so shallow, I thought it was dead, but I could feel its frail heartbeat.

I could feel its ribs as I pick it up, so gently, so, so, so gently, because I knew that touch was painful.

It had been de-clawed by a monster, and when it was de-clawed, it knew it could never protect itself.

So, instead of reaching out, it hide, silently....and only came out in the shadows of the night.

It knows the safety element of darkeness, and can only trust itself, yet it had to trust me, and it did.

When I picked it up, I immediatly pulled it into my body, once more gently, so gently.

I knew that it would pull away, and I knew that I had to help it bare it out, b/c it needed to get warm.

It needed to be held, right against my chest, to hear my heartbeat, and to feel safe.

It as only then that it let out its first, very quite, purr, and I wisphered back, b/c you have to speak softely.

I said,

"It is safe now, and I am giving we will get you healthy and I will be here with you as long as you need. I will take you home and you can stay, and he will not hurt you anymore."

I kissed its forehead and then ran my hand along its back, very gently, yet firmly.

It cried, cats cry, you know that?

There was silence, a long silence....long silence.....but I still held it, and carried it all the way home.

When we got home, it did not wnat me to put it down, so I waited a but, but then explained to it, quitely, that in order to help it, I had to get some things for it....

I put it on my bed and covered it up in blankets..put on some soft music for it, but left the lights off.

I first got it something to drink, hydration is very important.

It was so weak, it could not drink, so I had to put liquid onto something that I could then press on its lips.

It worked and soon it could drink, but it took time, attention, and care. It took great effort on the cats part to accept the liquid, but with my help...as I held the liquid to it, it drank.

It meant I had to sacrifice, I had to give it the patience it needed, and I had to risk it not taking it, but I was willing to do anything for it, because I knew of such torture, and I knew why it had to be this way, and I was willing to take consequences to bringing a cat home....b/c this one cat, needed me the most.

And soon it was strong enough for me to bath, and then to drink some more, and then to eat a little.

It took time, a lot of time, and days....of just the cat and me.

But it worked and it was worth it, every single moment was worth it.

I would do it again in a flash because had I not rescued that cat, I knew its fate, all to well.

After these days, the cat and I became best friends, because not only had I rescued the cat, but it had rescued me.

And no one in life ever found out about our meeting and our days together, because it was so important to the cat for no one to know, what it had been through, but we shared secrets and we had an undrstanding of each other that few get in life.

It began a lifetime of wonderful joyess moments, sad moments, many moments.

It was a bond few get to make in life, but we were so blessed to make.

It was humbling and the most amzing adventure to share time, spend time, and be with this cat.

We spent years as good friends, best mates.

It was only death that seperated us, but we each knew that even in death, we could never be far apart.

It was meant to be and no one knew about it for a long time, until we finally decided it was time to tell we had found each other, and we never told of the first night, and days we spent together, that was for us and us only.

In fact, we had to re-locate, but for us, it was worth it, and for us, we would never regret finding each other.

And.....it was the best secret we had even had.

Love, be loved, accept that love, and then share it, it is a gift, meant for very few, from the cat, to its angel......and it was so brave of the cat to love once more.......that the angel knew it had to be open to it....

True story I saw: (summary)

There was a boy and a girl and they were in love, but the girl broke up with the boy and said she was moving to another country, and she did not love him anymore. She wanted him to move on and move foward in life. He had folded her something like hundreds of paper cranes to symbolize the love he had for her. Years later, he was driving in the rain and came upon a couple under an umbrella, walking. He was very successful and he stopped to see if they need a lift. As he got close, he saw he knew them. They were his ex-girlfriends parents. He watched them and saw them turn into a cemetary. He followed them. They came to a grave and he followed and looked down to ses his ex-s name. The paper cranes were in a jar next to her name. They explained she had been stricken with a terminal illness and did not want him to stop life and feel bad for her, so she made up the story to make sure he went on with his life. He never got to tell her how much he loved her, how much she meant to him, but she knew it already. They said she had saved the cranes and asked them to be put there in hopes that one day he would find them and take them home...and know, that she loved him so much.

I am scetchy on the details if this story, but it went something like this.

So, if you love someone, if you have found a cat, if you have found a soul mate, don't waste time, and don't waste the chance to tell them you love them....you could be their one angel, there one oppertunity, and their one hope...love outlasts anything else, it endures, conquers, and heals..its capabilties are limitless.......even in friendship, even with an animal, and even in death.

 

I have a mask.....I keep it on...always, and never take it off, very few have ever been privlaged to see the real me, and when I give that to them, as I have already started to, when it is the hardest, when it gets so bad....I long to have them put their hand on top of my face, palm in, and start at my forehead, and very slowly run their hand down my face.....very gently.....and caress my face, and then let me do it in return, and underneath, what you will see..will only be for you and me.....it will be the raw face of, someone lost long ago....who only wants you to know who she is.....who I am...then and now...and always and forever.

Let me lean on you, let me fall on you, let me take your hand, and you lean, fall, and take mine.....

I heard he was one of the best....but has trained others to do workshops. My Uncle studied with him for a week and thought it was one of the best experiences he ever had.

So my Uncle says, "Breathe, in your nose and feel the air rush in, and then let it go, out of your mouth"

I tried to, and almost had it, almost, but my body is still very, very, very tense..it is tight, and closed up and it just needs to relax and I feel so, so, so , so TRAPPED....like my dream where I use my eyes to get help....b/c my word never come, and my body is frozen in fear...she cannot say it, and she cannot move....I can breathe, but when I breathe in, my chest hurts like so bad, my ribs hurt,  it feels like I cannot get the proper air in me......then when I breathe out, it is like I have nothing to breathe out......it is to STUCK!

My uncle said, "The last breath is past, the next breath is in the future, so all you have is this one single moment in time....this one breath right now, right here. Breathe in the moment, live in the moment."

He said it was very difficult and he still has trouble with it, but it gets easier with time..never perfect, and it is always going to be a struggle, but it happens more often.

He also said that I owed it to me to give me 100% right now. He said before you can let your family in, you have to figure your own self out.....I knew this all along, but no one ever validated it for me, and I am so grateful he did. So grateful....but I had to add something to this effect:

"I feel like I will always be finding new ways for me, new paths, new dreams, new conquests, new hurdles.....things I felt/now feel/will feel/and may never feel and things I never knew/now know/will know/may never know about my own self, things I do like, things I do not like, things I may grow to like or dislike..people will come, people will go....some I will be fond of, some I will not, but each individual will be listened to by me....and each one will have some sort of impact, even if I am not yet aware of it.  And that I will never, ever stop learning and exploring, growing, changing, questioning myself, my life, the ways of the world.... who I am and my mind, my body, my spirit...soul and heart......what is means, says, does..for me...I am sure change will happen all the time, and I think we are creatures of habit, but when change is welcomed or embraced..harmony comes in abundance with acceptance."

I asked him about his "Singing Bowls".......he had an interesting take on it.

I was thinking about my own thought process and I can never get a clear, direct picture on exactly how my mind works....or why it does what it does. I mean physically, I know what science or what has been researched and written, a little bit, the views of others', and my own views of me, but it gets hard at times, really hard....to be me. And I long for someone to just..IDK...just......well:

Maybe, walk with me, wonder a bit, ponder life....question existence, fate, destiny...everything, talk, share , cry, laugh...and then....well.....love, and take it, and share it, and then spread it..to heal....heal the world at large, yet, knowing and acknowledging that love, in and of itself, can never heal a world such as this.....but it can heal, in many ways, if just given as chance....and trust in that, in my, in me, in you.....

Believe, hope, wish, pray, dream.......reach......high...reach for the moon, but no worry or fear if you land on a star......b/c that one star in that one finite moment..is a gift.....only given be something greater than anything I know or can speak off....and can become infinite in so many ways....

Are these the moments to be treasured???? And what if life, if we never take a risk, such as this?????

What is life, without all emotions, all senses.....what is it like for you, for any of you?

I almost gave away my shoes today to a homeless person....but I knew not to do this, but I was wondering as I walked by him...I said to him in my head,

"Let's trade shoes...here, take my shoes, let me take your bare feet...and we can see, what it is like to walk in another's shoes, or in the bare feet of another human being....what is it like?????? To feel the cold, solid ground under you in the dead of winter.....and not have a home of one's own? What is it like??? To be  loved, to share it, to give it, to spread it, to understand it....I have to many questions and no cement answers...only things to ponoder and explore.....

I guess, I just want some sort of understanding and grounding or something.......

The other day, I told my father I was having trouble going back to school b/c I did not want to settle into 1 major.....I wanted to be a life-long student. He may have done wrong things....I am not sharing right now on this, but he is wise.....he said, "A lot of people spend their lives looking and searching for something greater, something more, but you have to set goals and be happy with those you can accomplish, and pick something and do that."

This is so hard for me....yes, I will make goals, reach them, pick something......soon enough..and I will surely settle on a lot, but for me???

Settling, is not the answer to life's problems....it can only bring comfort and solace  in the moment....

I am not needing stuff and things - objects and new, name-brand clothes....expensive STUFF.......

I just want compatibility, understanding, empathy....sharing,talking, listening....okay, so I am quite demanding on the level that my expectations of my own self and the gifts I want to bring to me,to another, to many.....is this, ina lot of ways....and that settling, well, settling...

Is just not my style.

But one thing, I would settle for -

Is true friendship.....and one day....true love....yes, with every emotion in it -

For what is true friendship, true love without going through it all?????

Where would the beauty ly with-in that????

Is there something to be saught after in this wolrd, this life, my life, others' lives, of which I am unknown, unaware??? Something greater?

And humanity, well, humanity....for me, is just that I am perfect....in all my imperfections, I am perfectly human, as we all are.....

I can settle on that as well.......so, now, I would only say...

"Trust in me. in you."

I had dream or something, a vision, a flashback...I did not remember it until I was riding home today. It has happened before, but it sort of changes places. The first one was in a room. There was a stairway to this room. It had a bed in it, and the bed was small, a twin bed. The bed was very messy and unmade. You entered this room and the bed was on the right. Against a wall. It was sort of caddy-cornered. At the head of the bed was the wall, and the wall had a hidden cover on it, where I had written. I had written all about things that I never knew had happened to me. This one dream or vision happened a few months ago.

Last night, it happened again, only it changed location. It was in the floor or wall, under boards. The boards were made to look like the fit, yet they were hiding my writing and other things as well. They were able to be pried opened and lifted. Someone, a man, okay, my father knew where this was. He went over to the boards and lifted them and got something out...I was watching him do this and I was a child. Hidden there was my writing and stuff that belonged to my mom. Things that he owed her or something, it had that feeling....I watched him open the boards when no one was looking, and he went in and got hte money or soemthing for her. In my head, I saw my books and knew my words were in there, but befoire I coud move to retrieve it, he covered it up and turned to look at me.....then I woke up, or lost it, until the ride home.

I think I am going crazy.....I just, I just, I just cannot believe it....not yet.......

But the fucked0up thing is when I came to his house today, I went in the living room/dining room.and you know what I did? Went to where I thought the vision had taken place and started feeling the wall and boards, but I knew, I knew it was not there.

Crazy...I tell ya, I am so freakin' CRAZYYYYYYYYY!

*****So, spell/grammer is off, this was a free write...

Please, my friend, please, hear me say this: "Listen" 

Yet, please..share as well.....for you are just as important as she, as me....to be listened too, Who listens to you??? I do not know...yet, yet see so much pain, to much pain..and wisdom, that I only wish to be apart of...How many experiences have you had? Is it like me? Far to many, any one life should have, let alone, that of a woman at my age???? Let me..."Listen"..learn, care, and love..explain.

To take a chance...I may lose, but I took a chance....I cared, I loved...I felt, and then, I thought..don't give up...on me....on you.....on what can be...if you took.....that chance.

 Oh...I reach...I grasp.....at the air...and no one can take hold.... I beg..... I plead....do you hear my cry, as tears go by, unnoticed, unshed, unwept...untouched, unreached, yet....longing for one...she hopes, she has a hope....she has the hope of a survivor...a fighter, yet knows not what hope means, many times, and wonders about survival......and wonders about who the real fighters are???

To be reached...to be grasped......in the flesh.....where I can take hold....I will never beg......I will never plead.....my cries may never be heard....my tears run dry, all to often....

Yet, I wonder...

Did you notice.....Did you shed...Did you weep...Was it just a dream? To much longing? To be touched, reached....What is hope to those who never speak????? Who never tell????  Survive each day, with one more chance, to tell, to share, to speak, and wonders.....Who is the fighter and where has she gone?????

Does anyone hear me?

I am on my knees..humbled by my very existence.

What it means to me...What it means to anyone who knows about it.....Was I ever loved, and never knew??????Is it true, what they say about "The Rose"?????

I sign in a lanuage of silence.....it goes like this:

I have no words of wisdom right now, I have no advice or comfort to offer, just my own self and me, my humanity.. the real me.....is so beyond any word to the wise, she does not know what wisdom is without interpretation...she was just a child, and her night mares need some rest, just a break is all she wants, a break that may make the night a tiny bit easier, just a bit...some tea, some warmth, some sharing, some tears, and even some smiles...to much...she knows...take her away, for a day, for two days is all, she needs.....just a beginning, of a remarkable, true friendship, with someone, anyone. One who knows and can relate..one who has gone down this road...and can share.

Where is my angel? Do I get a second chance? Or is my own expectation of me to much? Who am I? Who is she? What world is this? I am my own angel, for now, my second chance..I am not sure of, yet...my own expectations need some rest of their own, and I am just me, am I perfect? No, but who is? She was just a child, "Little Girl That Never Told Until, Until, Until...an Angel appeared, her Angel*

No language could express, no color exists..there is no song or dance..to this.

I know not what to do, where to go, who to trust, who to tell, who to let in, because all I want...all I am and all I want in this world..is some time, some peace, some understanding, of what it is like to be me, to be you, to be us, to only a few....dare say I, dare say we, dare say one.

Is it like what Confucius once uttered..he spoke, he said, "It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." Yet, did he know....What it is like..to wait, and lt each day go by, and wonder...and hold on...only to your own self???????

We will try once more...another day. One day..one day...someone will know. On that day, I reckon, my cup, will surly run-ith over....but for now...lay my head down, and take me away, to my dreams, and let me sleep...in the arms...the "Arms Of An Angel", for now, I am my own angel..my Angel Child..protect her and watch over her..Dear Lord, she prays, are you there??